pizzaforpresident:

i hate when people call their grandparents weird names instead of grandma and grandpa like babooshka or salami

• You: Your ex is attractive.
• Partner: Which one?
• You: Me.
• You: BYEEEE

corncop:

people are following me probably thinking im cool

truth is 

you are completely right

• friend: *whispering* if you're stupid say "what"
• me: what
• friend: OH MAN
• OH
• OH DEAR FUCKING CHRIST
• I GOT YOU SO GOOD, THAT WAS AWESOME
• SWEET, SWEET DICKS IN MY MOUTH. I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED THIS HARD. EVER.
• JESUS. JESUS HELP ME.

lalalafrickyou:

bloody-nips:

i’m watching Extreme Couponing and i just saw a woman rack up a charge of over $1000 and then her coupon game was so fucking raw by the end of it the store owed her $8. what the fuck

“her coupon game was so fuckin raw” is basically the best string of words ever concocted

blueexorcist:

One time I walked in on my mom crying by herself watching Ice Age

gtaire:

r u ever scared to walk past a group of teenagers even though you are also a teenager

dinnerpartydan:

That awkward moment when you ran up the stairs and now you’re trying to hide your heavy breathing like it’s no big deal but you’re actually pretty winded and dear god you need to work out.

bikinibottorn:

“theres no such thing as a perfect UR-“